There will probably be spoilers in this, like right now, Rainman, aka Mr. Magorium, dies. Though that’s what the whole shitty story is about. He ran out of shoes so he decides to fucking die. Genius. If that plot doesn’t have genius written all over it, I don’t know what does.

It’s a pretty straight forward movie. You have Padme, aka Molly Mahoney, which sounds a lot like bologne, but they didn’t make that fucking joke once. Seriously, you don’t even have to think about it. They’re both funny sounding words that sound the same. Mahoney bologne. Holy shit, was that so hard? It can just be said in passing and not even take away from your whole shiteous plot.

Anyways, Padme plays the typical, I don’t want these responsibilities, I can’t do this, winey bullshit, but learns in the end that she, in fact, could do it all along. OMG!!11! I’m so uplifted and inspired right now. I think I can run my own, though I only got it because some really old guy with autism decided to die, magical store.

Forgot to mention, they work at a magical toy store, where apparently parents let their kids hang out all day at, though no parents realize it’s a magical store, probably because they’re all retarded, which is shown by the fact that they never make their kids go to school or do anything worthwhile. There’s also some anti-social kid that can build crazy things, like build a Lincoln out of Lincoln Logs, (see autism), that also works at the store. I thought there was something called Child Labor laws, but I guess those were ignored on the grounds that they were depressing.

Then there’s Michael Bluth, aka mutant, because accountant = accounting + mutant. Crazy asspies. He plays the person who doesn’t believe, then something magical happens, like finding out he could do Natalie Portman, then he becomes a believer, and thus doing Natalie Portman.

Then there’s the whole anti-science, pro-magic rhetoric.

Dumbass bitch’s kid: How do magnets work? Magic?
Padme: Yes. Magic.

No, you fucking dumbass.

Rainman: This is bad. It seems gravity is turned back on in the store.

Of course, you fucking r-tard. Gravity isn’t something you just turn off. Let’s just completely discount all of Newton’s and Einstein’s work. I’m pretty sure you think that though is because you can’t throw a fucking balsa wood plane.

But the worst problem is that Natalie Portman just isn’t hot in this movie. For 99.3% of the movie, they make her look like a 12 year old boy. The whole reason I saw this piece is because I wanted to see a hot Natalie Portman, but God damn, this was a let down. Only one short scene where she looked like a halfway respectable woman. One. I counted.

If I fucked up spelling or grammar or some shit, fuck you. It’s the shittiness of this movie’s fault. See, like that. That doesn’t fucking even make sense.

One OMG, if that even.

And fuck your tortoise, Adam.

Evidently, it was too much for the poor Toroise to handle.
“I’m soOooO sad!” he cried.
“Why, whatever for?” asked the Turtle-dove.
“I want wings like you’ve got!” he exclaimed, furious and sad all at once.
The Turtle-dove examined his wings and nodded.
“They are quite wonderful now that you mention it,” he said.
“Why can’t I have wings too!” cried the Tortoise, thinking the whole thing was terribly unfair. “Why, were both turtles of a sort aren’t we? Or is a Tortoise so much different than all that?”
“Silly tortoise!” said the Turtle-dove laughing. “Why, I’m not even a turtle to begin with!”

the scene ends with much loling and rofl’s.

I’m going to review the Golden Compass soon. Or the “Polar Express” as I would have the box office ticket vendor believe.